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My name is Siddiqah Ahmad. After being married to Naseer, my husband for a year. We decided its time to have a kid together and to our surprise two months later we got pregnant with our first child! A few weeks past by and one Sunday morning I woke up bleeding in bed I contacted my midwife who informed I should come into the maternity ward to have an ultrasound, come Monday early morning there I was at the clinic worried teary’ panicky 21-year-old whilst all mums were.

As I sat all alone the doctor called me in and the sonographer performed the scan she wouldn’t say anything but move the probe and take measurements.

The midwife entered the room held my hand and said Mrs Ahmad I hope it’s not too upsetting for you but we found two heartbeats. The sudden surge of happiness and tears and excitement all rolled into one was too intense that I ran out of the hospital to call my husband and explain the wonderful news. My pregnancy was always a high risk I had many false alarms and was diagnosed with an irritable uterus so I would feel contractions very early on. I was greeted with my beautiful girls Hamnah & Hibah born 03/04/05 2.26 am & 2.28 I remember it like yesterday.

My happiness and smiles were short-lived when Hamnah was posted 10 days’ birth when she stopped responding she was diagnosed with meningitis and then hydrocephalus she was in and out of the hospital for months with various surgeries. I stayed with Hamnah for months’ and my postpartum depression was triggered from the moment where I would spend my nights crying and praying.  My way of coping was to do something proactive and that was giving the twins my breast milk. I would time my alarm and wake up to pump and express to freeze and to lactate Hamnah. My husband was supportive throughout and took care of my other daughter Hibah.

A while after I started feeling weak all the time and after running tests, I found out I was pregnant again. I was happy but friends around me tried to convince me to abort as the twins were 1 year only. I had the perfect pregnancy with my 3rd child Hayfa. Two years went by along came my 1st boy Omar Farooq Ahmad’ I always wanted a boy. The biggest blow to me was when my 5th baby my Omar was sleepy and wouldn’t respond after the girls had the round of chickenpox and were recovering’ my sixth sense would say something isn’t right’ I rushed my son into the hospital to be told he had (bacterial) meningitis. My world came crashing down and I collapsed I couldn’t do it again not after what happened with Hamnah.

This had left me in bad shape’ I didn’t want to meet people I wouldn’t open the door to the mailman’ my mum used to live five minutes down the road yet I wouldn’t go to see her. I was not in a good state of mind. My main focus became my insecurities such as my weight gain and the complexion of my skin. This wasn’t positive and put me in severe depression. I have always been against medication hence wanted to stay away from anti-depressants although I did take them for a while to be stable. After my sister had complications and had to have a hysterectomy it was a tough time on all our family and an additional blow to my depression not to say the least how bad her depression was’ we both started a natural antidepressant for postpartum 5HTP.

Events took an unexpected turn when my precious beautiful Hamnah caught infection encephalitis and within four days my baby girl got sick and left us. I fell and I collapsed as my world was crushed I lay my head on my Hamnah’s chest I prayed for little heart to beat’ she was the same size as me’ she grew so tall’ I didn’t realise. Did I miss her growing up? Did the time fly by? Did I think we were all going to live forever? When my children were informed of their sibling’s death they were in shock horror. Hamnah Passed away 04-11-2018 at the tender age of 13 years and 7 months. I give myself peace my trying to convince myself that had Hamnah lived if she had a disability from the trauma of her brain or something else then I would die every day as a mother watching her in pain

Some day is okay where others tire me out and I cry. It helps to have positive people around me who make me laugh and help me with the tough time. I have understood looking after number one is my antidote so I am abetter wife/mum/sibling and daughter. If reading my article helps someone understand and think before they open their mouth, I would have found I have educated at least one person. This to me would be a great success Insha’Allah.

Sadiqah Ahmad

Sadiqah Ahmad

A mother to 6 kids fighting fearlessly to overcome her depression.

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